Orna"mental" fur tree
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:36 pm
Sitting here drinking my usual sixpack and wondering if I'll get dinner tonight, I was thinking about my last post and how many episodes through the years I've actually forgotten about. But here's one more that comes to mind.

OK, what do most guitarists and bassists do with thier old strings? One would think the appropriate thing to do would toss them in the garbage. But add the equation of alcohol, a touch of creativity and a big fur tree and you have a monument of mess.

We have this big ass fur tree outside our band room and one day I happened to look up at it for some stupid reason and noticed a bunch of guitar strings hanging from it. I thought, shit, oh well, the next windstorm will blow them out of it. But another month or so went by and they were still clinging to it, in fact, there was a whole shitload more hanging from it. And it wasn't just guitar strings, there was a bunch of other crap up there as well. So I decided enough is enough and commenced to climb up there and clean it up.

I managed to get a fair amount of bullshit off the branches and decided this is too big of a pain in the ass, so fuck the rest of it. Just about then I started feeling a pain on my upper arm. Couldn't tell what the fuck it was till I got down and then noticed a big red ring developing on my arm.

SOMETHING BIT MY FUCKING ARM! And it aint no common bug bite! Now I've heard of spider bites that eat flesh and leave these kind of marks so I ran upstairs and started feeling a little queezy. So off to the hospital I go.

Ever sat in the emergency waiting room? There's all kinds of wierd people sitting there. You can't really tell what they're there for because nobody's bleeding or even look sick. But I have to sit there with a festering nasty bite while all these seemingly healthy people get served first. Oh well, I'm sure they're fucked up some how or they wouldn't be there. Anyway, so I get called and have to go to a "preliminary" check to see if my problem is life threatening. Apparently it's not because they sent me accross the street to sit in another waiting room. After another half hour I get called and sent to a room. After another half hour the doctor shows up and looks at my arm. "Yep, you got bit alright". And that was it. FUCK, I could have told him THAT! He said just keep an eye on it and I'll be fine, oh and don't forget the hefty price tag for an emergency visit.

So why the fuck did I waste a whole afternoon going to the emergency room seeking help? You tell me........

One thing is certain, I'll never climb that god damn tree again no matter how much bullshit it accumulates! Fuck it.

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Survivor aint got nothing on these two clowns!
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:36 pm
Once upon a time not too distant, my bandmates John and Dustin were a mischievious lot to say the least. They did things together that were not, how should I say, "normal". I'm about to take you into the Twilight Zone of who Dumbass Jones .......is. Keep in mind that I knew not of the dasterdly deeds that were commencing upon my threshold, but that I just feel content to know that we have all survived.

Episode one: First off, Kresno is a freestanding fireplace. And yes, like the song says, he eats. He eats whatever John and Dustin decide to feed him. Paint cans, road cones, garbage, guitar strings, school desks and probably other shit unkown to me. One night they decided to "overfeed" him and I am told that he got so hot that he was bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean. Nevermind that he lit up the entire room with an orange glow and could give you a sunburn from twenty feet away. Now that would scare the hell out of me! When I asked them if they were worried about this getting out of control they responded, "well, we were a little nervous".

Episode two: I'm sitting upstairs watching TV and happen to glance out the window. I see all this thick black smoke billowing down the street. So I get up and look out the window for a closer look and man, it is thick! I can't see past three houses down the street! So I'm wondering if there is a house on fire or something, I mean, this aint normal shit here. So now I'm really curious so I go out into the backyard and look around and then I look up at my chimmeny and discover it's coming from MY FUCKING HOUSE!! So I run downstairs to find Kresno feeding off of a god damn road cone. Ever try putting out a fully engulfed burning road cone? It takes awhile! Fuck man, I'm suprized no one called the fire department.

Episode Three: Burning shit in your backyard in the city of Renton is illegal, because Renton is stupid. But that never stopped John and Dustin from, well, burning shit in the backyard. They always got a kick out of burning a few twigs here and there.....maybe an empty beer box or two, but one day they decided to light the mother load. Now I'm at work and they know what time I get home and were fully confident that this fireball would be out in time so I wouldn't suspect a thing. They threw everything they could find in one big heap, including a big orange road barrel. Apparently this fire got so big that it created it's own weather, you know, a fucking hurricane of flames, ash and smoke that could be seen throughout the entire nieghborhood, probably miles! The lady's accross the street were yelling "I hope your dad knows what you guys are doing!!" "You know it's illegal to burn stuff in this nieghborhood!" I'm sure thier reply was "yea, so what!" And they were right, I got home and didn't suspect a thing.

Episode four: Feeding Kresno paint cans can't possibly amount to anything good. I hear that when they get hot enough they become missiles. And yes, they infact were shooting accross the room in all thier flaming glory. At that time the room was carpeted and I don't know how they managed to not burn my house down. And I hear my chimmeny looked more like a steel mill spewing sparks like the 4th of July when they decided to shove an old guitar case into him. I kind of wondered why all the fans were on and all the windows were open when I got home that day.........

Episode five: Now I have to admit I thought this one was funny. Being a band we order a lot of shit. And this shit comes with packing peanuts. You know, the styrofoam stuff that's hard to contain. So I'd pack em all into yard bags to keep them intact until I can make a dump run. Well one big nasty windy day all those bags dissapeared. I knew who to ask, so I did. Yes, all those packing peanuts were all over the nieghborhood. By the way, my recycled can bags were dissapearing as well and I was told they were being used for thier "canning" operation. For cryin out loud man!

Episode six: My sister-in-law used to work at a fancy hotel. They were upgrading thier complementary soap bars and she asked me if I wanted a box because they were just going to throw the old ones out. Hell yea, I won't have to buy soap for a long time. Well, John and Dustin caught wind of it and decided they had better plans for it. One rainy day the entire street became a big slippery fucking mess. So I hid the remainder of what was left in the box and still to this day I don't know where I put it. Fuck.

There are many more episodes, some bad, some really bad, some I dare not talk about and some painfully stupid.

Being a respectable homeowner is not an easy job living with Dumbass Jones. You should try it sometime and see how long it takes you to finally give up.

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I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:36 pm
And I'm sick and tired of this fucking cold! I don't have time for this bullshit. A cold is something that most people accept and deal with as just a passing moment in thier pathetic lives. Well I don't! When something fucks with my head 24 hours a day for two fucking weeks, I'm not a pleasant person to be around. I can't think of anything more miserable or stupider than a fucking stupid ass cold. What's the purpose of it and why the fuck can't somebody find a cure for it? All the technology we have today and nobody has a clue. My theory is they don't want to. Think of how many drug companies would go out of business because nobody would be buying cold medicine. And think of how many less visits to the doctor. Money talks, bullshit walks, and I'm sick of walking around coughing my guts out and blowing my fucking nose every 10 minutes.

Sleeping at night (or lack of) is a bitch. You lay on one side and your nose starts running out of your left nostril. You turn over and then it shifts over to your right nostril. Do this for a couple of hours and you finally get fed up and shove toilet paper up both nostrils. But you still got the fucking headache and sore throat to deal with. And going through your daily business in a dense fog sucks. It's all BULLSHIT MAN!! By time the alarm clock goes off in the morning you feel like walking death just going through the motions. So you get up, can't talk worth a fuck and then go into a coughing fit that would scare the lice off your head. The coughing is so intense that you end up puking green oysters, yea, that's real pleasant, isn't it? Then your nose faucet turns on again and your eyes swell up. I feel like kicking the god damn door but last time I tried that I broke my fucking toe, so I just look in the mirror and swear I would kill the mother fucker that left thier dirty filthy germ infested slime bag mother fucking amebas where I would unsuspectingly come in contact with thier shit.

If I was an asshole, (and I'm pretty sure I'm not, though I have my moments), I would go out and spit on all the grocery cart handles, lick all the keyboards at work, sneeze in an elevator full of people, cough all over everything without covering my mouth and wipe snot rags all over every door knob I could find. And I'm sure that's pretty much how this shit gets spread around in the first place. Those people really are no damned good. But since I'm not that big of an asshole and I'm too fucking miserable to go through that much effort, I'll just sit here and sneeze my fucking head off hoping I don't run out of toilet paper! (See toilet paper blog)

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Another fucked up thing
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:35 pm
I'm sure in this day and age of ordering shit online is something most of us have done many times. It's great, it's easy, and you can shop from home and not have to deal with wasting your time going from store to store in all that fucked up traffic. It's such a simple thing, unless you're me.

I needed to order a trailer hitch for our van because we're accumulating too much crap to get it all in one van. So after searching several sites I found one that looked right. And the price was right. Butt, they list 2 different models for our van. I studied them both, can't tell the difference, both class 3, both same price, both for 1985, similar instructions and look the same. So what the fuck is the difference? I've tried emailing them about it with no responce. Can't call them when I get home because they're closed and have no answering service.

So I said fuck it, I'll order the one anyway. So I get to the last checkout page and it says print this page for your copy....thanks.

Now how many times have you ordered something online and at the very last page you have to click a "submit" button? I couldn't find one, and after going "back" and "back" and "back" I got nowhere fast. So I X'ed out of it and tried it again. Same fucking thing. Well guess fucking what? There is no "submit" button on thier site, and I ended up ordering the god damn thing twice!!

Of course it's after hours and they don't seem to understand returning email messages so I'll have to call the fuckers from work tommorow and hope I get ahold of them before they ship 2 god damn hitches out!

Why does everything have to be so fucked up all the time?

Update: My faith in humanity has just been restored, at least for the time being. I just recieved an email from this place and all is fixed. Now I have a legitimate reason to celebrate. :shock:

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Tuff love with my GMC
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:35 pm
I really can't complain, though I seem to do it a lot. My truck has given me many years of service with little trouble considering how I drive. But lately it's been telling me "hey dumb fucker, I need some attention!". OK, I guess I'll put my life on hold and try to understand your fucked up-ness.

It started leaking oil about 2 months ago, I figured ok, it's got over 200 thousand miles on it. If you had over 200 thousand miles on you, you would leak too I bet. That's why someone invented diapers for old people. But since nobody makes them for my truck, I guess I'm destined to see what I can do. Now I'm not talking a couple of drips here and there, I'm talking full blown pissed my driveway. So I figured it was coming from the rear seal, which is the main focus of attention anytime something needs to "come out", right? So I dedicated myself to replace the bung hole seal.

In the garage she goes, my wrences are all laid out, lets commence and do the dirty deed and stop this neverending menstral cycle of oil.

After spending hours on my back on a cold cement floor, I pulled every bolt, connector, hose and fitting that was nessesarry to drop the tranny and replace that leaking son of a bitch. BUTT, I was down to 6 bolts of finalizing my journey and could not reach the last 2 bolts because a stupid crossmember that would not allow me to drop the trans low enough to reach them was in the way. So I said to myself "fuuuuuuuck maaaaaaan". Grabbed another beer and started looking closer at where she was leaking. To my surprize, the whole god damn engine had oil all over it, not just it's butt, it's like John threw up on it. So I said fuck it and commenced to get drunk.

Next day I decided to put it all back together. By now my back is so rubbed raw from sliding in and out from under that stupid thing it felt like a bad sunburn, literally! After scratching my head and doing some research of other dumb fuckers with similar problems, I decided to check the PCV port on the throttle body. Sure enough, it was plugged solid. So logic tells me that if the engine has no way of getting rid of internal pressure, it has to go someplace, just like us. Get the picture? So I unplugged the fucker, fired her up and it hasn't leaked since!

Moral of this story, if you get plugged up, unclog yourself, because I aint going through that bullshit again!

Let me refrase that, if something starts leaking because somethings plugged up, unclog the blockage to stop the leak. Huh? I know, fuck it, I'm outa here.......that's just stupid.

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