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Randall
Post  Post subject: Survivor aint got nothing on these two clowns!  |  Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:36 pm
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:08 pm
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Location: The nanny state

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Once upon a time not too distant, my bandmates John and Dustin were a mischievious lot to say the least. They did things together that were not, how should I say, "normal". I'm about to take you into the Twilight Zone of who Dumbass Jones .......is. Keep in mind that I knew not of the dasterdly deeds that were commencing upon my threshold, but that I just feel content to know that we have all survived.

Episode one: First off, Kresno is a freestanding fireplace. And yes, like the song says, he eats. He eats whatever John and Dustin decide to feed him. Paint cans, road cones, garbage, guitar strings, school desks and probably other shit unkown to me. One night they decided to "overfeed" him and I am told that he got so hot that he was bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean. Nevermind that he lit up the entire room with an orange glow and could give you a sunburn from twenty feet away. Now that would scare the hell out of me! When I asked them if they were worried about this getting out of control they responded, "well, we were a little nervous".

Episode two: I'm sitting upstairs watching TV and happen to glance out the window. I see all this thick black smoke billowing down the street. So I get up and look out the window for a closer look and man, it is thick! I can't see past three houses down the street! So I'm wondering if there is a house on fire or something, I mean, this aint normal shit here. So now I'm really curious so I go out into the backyard and look around and then I look up at my chimmeny and discover it's coming from MY FUCKING HOUSE!! So I run downstairs to find Kresno feeding off of a god damn road cone. Ever try putting out a fully engulfed burning road cone? It takes awhile! Fuck man, I'm suprized no one called the fire department.

Episode Three: Burning shit in your backyard in the city of Renton is illegal, because Renton is stupid. But that never stopped John and Dustin from, well, burning shit in the backyard. They always got a kick out of burning a few twigs here and there.....maybe an empty beer box or two, but one day they decided to light the mother load. Now I'm at work and they know what time I get home and were fully confident that this fireball would be out in time so I wouldn't suspect a thing. They threw everything they could find in one big heap, including a big orange road barrel. Apparently this fire got so big that it created it's own weather, you know, a fucking hurricane of flames, ash and smoke that could be seen throughout the entire nieghborhood, probably miles! The lady's accross the street were yelling "I hope your dad knows what you guys are doing!!" "You know it's illegal to burn stuff in this nieghborhood!" I'm sure thier reply was "yea, so what!" And they were right, I got home and didn't suspect a thing.

Episode four: Feeding Kresno paint cans can't possibly amount to anything good. I hear that when they get hot enough they become missiles. And yes, they infact were shooting accross the room in all thier flaming glory. At that time the room was carpeted and I don't know how they managed to not burn my house down. And I hear my chimmeny looked more like a steel mill spewing sparks like the 4th of July when they decided to shove an old guitar case into him. I kind of wondered why all the fans were on and all the windows were open when I got home that day.........

Episode five: Now I have to admit I thought this one was funny. Being a band we order a lot of shit. And this shit comes with packing peanuts. You know, the styrofoam stuff that's hard to contain. So I'd pack em all into yard bags to keep them intact until I can make a dump run. Well one big nasty windy day all those bags dissapeared. I knew who to ask, so I did. Yes, all those packing peanuts were all over the nieghborhood. By the way, my recycled can bags were dissapearing as well and I was told they were being used for thier "canning" operation. For cryin out loud man!

Episode six: My sister-in-law used to work at a fancy hotel. They were upgrading thier complementary soap bars and she asked me if I wanted a box because they were just going to throw the old ones out. Hell yea, I won't have to buy soap for a long time. Well, John and Dustin caught wind of it and decided they had better plans for it. One rainy day the entire street became a big slippery fucking mess. So I hid the remainder of what was left in the box and still to this day I don't know where I put it. Fuck.

There are many more episodes, some bad, some really bad, some I dare not talk about and some painfully stupid.

Being a respectable homeowner is not an easy job living with Dumbass Jones. You should try it sometime and see how long it takes you to finally give up.


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